love's life

Peace in the In-Between

2008-10-07T22:23:00.000-07:00

I should be fired as a blogger. Seriously. Oh well, for those who might actually stumbled upon this, or happen to give me one last chance on an update… here it is.

This past year has been a doozy, in all sorts of good and ‘challenging’ ways. I wouldn’t call the difficult portions ‘bad’, only because that which has hurt and or frustrated me has brought me to the place where I am today. A place from which I’m able to view with a profound sense of contentment and gratefulness.

As 2008 started, I was emotionally caught in a place of stubborn hope, yet laced with a deep dread of loss. In short, what I thought was a relational fairy tale coming true ended up crushing my heart. It took me some time before the waves of emotions subsided, slowly easing into a gently lapping of water upon the shore, and has now settled into a peaceful place that only time and a gracious God can bring. While I am still blindfolded in this area of my life, I trustfully place my hand in the Lord’s and step willingly behind Him as He guides.

My job at the ranch is continuing to grow – taking on new responsibilities, tackling creative organizational areas, expanding my desire to cultivate and simplify this ministry, and doing it all while learning to love others more. Which translates out into looking to other’s needs before my own ‘to-do list demands’. I see this becoming a long-term thing, more so than I have before.

The cozy little house in town that I’ve resided in for the past year and nine months has morphed into a country home with 5 acres, 4 roommates, 3 horses, 2 dogs, 1 cat and a need to change the irrigation. I’m just starting settling into this new place and am looking forward to curling up by the wood fireplace when the snow starts falling outside. The 3 mile commute to work aint bad either. (Although the scurrying of a rodent in my ceiling doesn’t always give me sweet dreams.)

My community has blessed me beyond what I thought possible. Not only do I work with amazing people, who truly do desire to allow for each other’s faults, but many have become such close sisters to me. I wasn’t sure such camaraderie was possible. I live with 4 of these girls and can only anticipate the stories that will come out of this. I’ve also branched out a bit and started attending a Community Group with my church. Although the first night, while walking up the driveway, I was thinking, ‘Why do I torture myself so?’, I have found it easy to be myself within this group of people and am starting to build friendships there as well.

As the season changes, I anticipate what will be next. I can only imagine that it will bring it’s own joys and challenges, but I know that I have been prepared for whatever is before me.

Ecola Reunion

2008-01-31T17:53:00.000-08:00

Seven years after our time at the beach, 8 of the 'Anchorage Girls' were able to gather at Cannon Beach for the Ecola reunion. It was as if we had all lived next to each other just a month previous. Conversations, memories and laughter filled the entire weekend. It truly was an all-girls weekend, as three of the girls now have daughters as well.

The girls from room 125 are multiplying... Nora and Annabelle join Bethany, Joy, Amelia and I.

Bethany - my big sister!

At the conference center - we had a great time catching up with Dave Duff (the school's director) and Tina, our old Dean of Women.

I love snow

2007-12-08T18:58:00.000-08:00

Slideshow of the Summer

2007-07-27T10:08:00.000-07:00

This summer has been a phenomenal one – packed with all sorts of adventures and crazy things that the Lord is doing. I’m overwhelmed most days with gratitude and joy with all that He has allowed in my life and what He is working out day by day. Here are a few visuals of Summer 2007:

I've had the opportunity to spend time with and invest in the girls who are here volunteering for the summer. Each Tuesday morning I am able to 'steal them away' and it may be the highlight of my whole week. I've learned so much through them and feel so priveledged that God has placed them in my life this summer. They are set apart and truly seeking after the Lord, a beautiful thing.

On a beautiful day in June, a handful of us scaled the mountiantop known as South Sister. It is one of the peaks viewed from the ranch and one that I would never have dreamed of climbing a couple years ago. Looking at the summit from the land below - it almost seems impossible. There was quite a few times on the ascent when I would pause, look up at the steps yet to be taken, and wonder how I was actually going to make it to the top. But by placed one foot in front of the other (although they were tiny steps most of the time), we all made it up. You can climb 'mountains' one step at a time.

Kim & Troy took some of us down to Redding, CA for some down time... it was an amazing weekend. Full of hiking, gold-panning, lake floating & innertubing, and time spend with the One who pursues me. I so dearly love the people that God has placed in my life and the opportunity to spend quality time building one another up.

Definitely the best weekend of the entire summer so far was one spent camping on the coast. We stopped by Multnomah Falls and Cannon Beach (two of my favorite places in all of Oregon) before ending up at South Beach, near Newport. We constructed a little tent city, just a short walk from the beach. Words can not describe what the Lord spoke into my being during that time. He is undeniably cementing His love deep within my heart.

I’m so grateful to be able to rest in the shadow of the Almighty, as He crafts something beautiful out of my frailty.

Endurance

2007-05-12T23:17:00.000-07:00

In a crush of over 5,000 entrants, we anxiously anticipated the start gun. Bib numbers in place, hydration goo in pockets, iPod’s sending world-conquering music through earbuds.

I’ve never been much of a runner; I always preferred to be atop a cantering horse rather than expending that energy myself. In high school lacrosse, I did do quite a bit of wearing out my cleats, but that was mostly quick sprints of running a ball down to a teammate. Endurance really wasn’t needed that much.

About six months ago, a few of the girls at the ranch were throwing around the idea of running a marathon. At first I just kinda chuckled at them and told them I would be cheering them on at the finish line. But as the idea turned more concrete, I got to thinking, “Why not? I did run a 5K last year and finished that strong… 26.2 miles? Sure, no problem!” Well, maybe that wasn’t exactly what was running through my head, but the excitement of the endurance from the other girls challenged me to join in. And it can be hard for me to back down from a challenge at times.

The training was slated for three days a week – two short runs during the week and an increasingly longer run on Saturdays. But between my busy schedule and ailing knees (dang IT band tendon!), I missed a lot of the training. I knew there was no way that I would be able to run the full course, but I signed up for a half-marathon. Still 13.1 miles – not exactly a jog in the park.

Three weeks before the race in Eugene, Oregon, my right foot decided to gang up on me as well. Not wanting to train on an injured foot, I tried to heal up for a full week before resuming my long runs. But it wasn’t healing very quickly. It ended up that I didn’t run at all for three weeks before the half-marathon. And the furthest distance that I had trained for was 7 miles.

There were 6 other runners from the ranch – 4 running the full marathon and three of us signed up for the half. As I lined up at the starting area with the rest of our team, I figured I would run as long possible (probably about 9 miles or so) and then cross the finish line at a walk.

My friend & roommate, Laurie, and I settled into a good pace together. One by one, the miles passed by. Around mile 6, I turned to Laurie and asked how she was feeling. She also had some injuries and her physical therapist had told her to be really careful with how far she pushed her body. She said she was feeling good, so we continued to move along with the mass of people straining towards the finish.

My body and spirit felt energized until about mile 8 or so, and then it all started to go away. Near the start of the race I had laughed at the slogan on a runner’s shirt, “If you start to feel good while running, don’t worry, it will pass.” This was now becoming a reality as both of my knees were starting to scream at me. Just past mile 9, I felt something in my left foot kinda twinge. I knew that if I stopped now, I wouldn’t start up a run again. I also knew that if I continued to run, I was going to be hurting real bad. But having come this far, I wasn’t about to give up yet.

One foot in front of the other. A teammate by my side. Encouraging cheers from strangers on the sidelines. All these things combined to press me forward. As Laurie and I passed the mile 12 sign, we picked up the pace just a bit and finished our race in less than 2 ½ hours.

Tears started streaming down my face as we rounded that last corner and the finish line came into sight. I’m not sure if they were tears of exhaustion, pain, or relief, but it is such a breathtaking thing when you achieve something that had seemed impossible. I am fine with never running that far again, but am also so thankful to have accomplished this goal.

All of us finished our races that day. Each girl with a teammate by their side. How immensely proud I am of each of them. (Even if we did look like a special needs groups afterwards - with all the limping and hobbling!)

notes from all over

2007-04-14T00:11:00.001-07:00

Whew, life has been building momentum lately… which doesn’t afford me much down time to reflect and write. I need more down time! But then I get bored… I’m so confusing sometimes. Here are a few smatterings of life lately:

The ranch aired on Dobson for the second time and has sent my little office into a whirlwind. Good stuff, just a lot of it. 12 hour work days can be a bit exhausting. I am SO thankful for 3 day weekends. When I get them that is – there have been quite a few weekend days spend playing catch-up lately.

The ranch has also opened for the start of my third season down here. It’s hard to believe at times that I’ve been here for so long already. It is WONDERFUL having the kids back! I’m anticipating some big things this year as far as life-change goes.

I got to hang out with my parents in Portland for a day a couple weeks ago. I miss those people.

Training for my half-marathon has come to a bit of a stand still. Partly because my knee and foot have decided to gang up on me and partly because I take that as an excuse not to run for 2 weeks. I need to be all healed up, right?? Only 2 more weeks to go and 13 miles are looming in front of me.

Hawaii is right around the corner! It’s seriously hard to believe that I will be in the tropics in just a couple weeks. We’ve been planning and waiting for this for so long, but it hasn’t really sunk in. But I did find a cute dress to wear while we are there. J

There are currently 14 teenage girls sleeping in my living room. We invited our SAGE (Seeking After God Entirely) teenage girls group to hang out, eat way too much pizza, talk really loud and a whole lot, and it’s been a hoot. These girls are awesome and I love spending time with them, but they do tire me out a bit. I’m feeling old.

Time for bed… in just a couple hours I will be waking up to feed a hungry army. Hmm, waffles!

The wonder...

2007-02-11T20:56:00.001-08:00

In quiet, uninterrupted moments, my heart relaxes and sighs in contemplation and reflection. In the majesty of creation, my spirit swells in wonder and anticipation. The two came together last week on an early morning on the summit of Smith Rock.

The climb up Misery Ridge was filled with stopping points to catch my breath and slow my heavily beating heart. Being somewhat in shape from marathon training did little to hasten my ascend. As I reached what I believed had to be the summit, I was discouraged to find the directional sign proclaiming that I had progressed only half-way up the trail. My determination wavered between pressing on or just concluding my upward journey where I stood. But the competitive nature of my spirit would not let me finish my expedition there. I had a goal in mind and I hadn’t come this far just to wimp out.

As I continued my hike, the trail before me became a meandering path through windblown juniper trees and shrubbery. A short minute later, it took me around to the other side of the rock to reveal the magnificent stretch of mountains that are trademark to Central Oregon. I realized that the remainder of the trail on the map was a descent towards the river that meanders around the State Park. Climbing up just a little higher to the pinnacle of a large rock, I was just about on the highest point around, a breathtaking view in all directions.

As I sat, soaking up the beauty and tranquility, I was so thankful for my earlier decision to press on. It made me wonder how often I give up on what seems too difficult, only to have abandoned an amazing moment or blessing that was just around the corner. I don’t want to live life in mediocrity, only venturing out when it seems easy or convenient. I desire to fully live this adventure that Christ has laid out before me, trials and all.

God met me in that place, further deepening this romance that He is cultivating between the two of us. He calls to me and when I respond to His voice, it is a beautiful and mysterious thing.

...tea for two...

2007-01-29T22:39:00.000-08:00

I have become a tea drinker. Who would have ever thought I would like this somewhat flavored water stuff… but I’ve finally converted. Oh, I still have my cup of coffee in the morning, but these cold winter months have convinced me that a warm decaffeinated beverage in the afternoons or evenings is a good thing. Plus, if you’re meeting people at a coffee shop to hang out, it helps out your bank account. And you feel more thoughtful and pensive, too, I guess. I’m learning to really enjoy slowing down and learning how to breathe. Guess the tea theme fits right into that.

[Saturday mornings]

2007-01-27T10:09:00.000-08:00

I love relaxing mornings off where I can sit in my favorite recliner (an old blue worn-leather chair that plugs into the wall… yep, an electric recliner, it’s pretty sweet.), savor a cup of coffee, and ponder the thoughts and whispers of my heart. I’m such an introvert in that I really recharge by being quiet. I love people and friends and spending good times together (like last night, hanging out with the clan down at McMenamins), but I really get refreshed by taking a few calm moments to listen to the inner-thoughts of my heart, that so often get shoved to the side in the to-do lists of life.

Someday I want to build a house and include this quiet morning place into the blueprints.

In Pursuit of Balance

2007-01-11T22:13:00.000-08:00

Sometimes this life gets going at such a crazy speed; my little brain feels like it can’t take it anymore.

I had a wonderful time at home for Christmas, enjoying lots of food and football with my dad. Catching up with old friends in our old hometown, and driving to Bellingham, Canada & Seattle to see many other precious friends. Life was at a good speed, maybe even a little slow.

I’ve been home for just under a week and have felt shot out of a cannon. Four days later, I’ve finally answered all the emails sitting in my inbox, waiting for me. Meetings, appointments, to-do lists abound.

Tonight was the first evening that I’ve actually done more than just sleep at my house. I’ve been out and about every other night. Mostly good stuff, but I’ve come to realize I do so much better when I’ve had some quiet down time. I’m very much an introvert in that way – I recharge by being quiet (& sometimes alone).

The crushing speed and demands of life made me feel a little overwhelmed and unbalanced today. As much as I really do enjoy my job, I desire a time in life where I don’t have to work so that I can continue to have a warm place to sleep and food in the fridge. Will I ever have the opportunity to make a home for a family? To keep a cozy and clean house? Cook meals for loved ones? Or at least have the time to make it to the grocery store before 8 p.m.? Some days it feels like such a far off dream. But I’m holding onto that dream and trying to learn how to stay balanced in the craziness that is called life. I really don’t think it is ever going to slow down.

... adjustments & yearning...

2006-10-13T21:15:00.000-07:00

I am so very thankful for this little orange kitten sitting in my lap right now. Through some unexpected circumstances, I became a cat owner about 6 weeks ago. Who knew when I said yes to taking her, how grateful I would be for her now.

I think one of the hardest things about this season in my life is the inability to really rely on people. Close friends are wonderful, but they end up taking jobs across the country (or world) or getting married and leave you a bit lonely. Roommates are great – but they up and move on you unexpectedly, causing you to frantically find a solution to the monthly rent. I so long for someone to journey through life with – someone who is along for all the adventures, sorrows and changes. Someone who you can learn to lean on and trust, knowing that they are doing the same. Someone to come home from the grocery store to, a meal waiting to be prepared and shared.

Instead, here I sit – housing situation up in the air, a close friend on the verge of two becoming one, another friend on the road (literally) to a new life. But I also have a little orange tabby sitting in my lap purring. I do not want to become the crazy cat lady, but to have someone who relies on you and loves your homecomings is a good thing for my soul right now.

And in the meantime, I will wait upon the Lord. He knows the desires of my heart and I know His timing is perfect.

It Pays to Research

2006-09-28T20:55:00.000-07:00

My car, Sam, which has been a wonderfully reliable vehicle until recently, has had a bit of an upset stomach of sorts. Or perhaps it would be considered a cold.

I've noticed things not running as smoothly (and my gas running lower than normal) and then the dreaded Check Engine Light came on... dum, dum, dum...

After throwing away about $100 on it, my wonderful research papa discovered a recall on my car - with people describing the same problems I was having.

So, after many unanswered calls to the local dealership service department, I finally got through - and learned that I am covered under the recall! Yeah!

Thanks, Papa, for taking care of me yet again.

Summer

2006-08-18T12:53:00.000-07:00

This summer has been brimming full – it’s hard to believe that soon August will be drawing to a close. Where exactly did summer rush off to? These last few months have been full of activity, road trips, laughter, deadlines, planning, spontaneity, new faces and adventures, quick but much anticipated visits with old, dear friends. All in all, time well spent.

A few things I have loved about this summer:

Flip-flop Tans
Which is a sure sign that your toes have been free for a good part of the sunny months. Too many days in work boots is not a good thing.

Road Trips
Be it a spontaneous trip home, heading west to the coast a few times, an anticipated trip down to LA and then Mexico, they’re all good. (Minus the cramming 8 people into a truck twin-cab)

Lemonade
I have forgotten what a delightful treat this is on a hot, summer day.

Friends Getting Engaged
There is something so sweet about walking through life with someone, hearing and experiencing the ups and downs together, and then being about to witness such happiness.

Western Horseman
Check out the August 2006 article, page 42.

Thunderstorms
Being a true Seattleite, I miss the rain. So, when the high desert rolls out their lightning shows, I love it.

Which also brings me to the things that aren’t so great about summer…

Forest Fires
Much of the summer has been clouded in smoke. One of the larger fires being only 10 miles away. I’m so not used to this.

Funerals
Not the best way for a family reunion. I say the next time we all get together is for a wedding.

Rooster Cows
I don’t know what is wrong with the neighbor’s cow, but it has a problem. Not so pleasant early in the morning.

Farmers Tans
See Friends Getting Engaged. With this, brings a Maid of Honor dress. Not a bad thing at all, unless I can’t get rid of a few crazy tan lines. Fake and bake, here I come.

I love you, Papa

2006-04-07T17:51:00.000-07:00

I keep getting harassed for not updating (sorry Dad & Kevo), but life has been keeping me in a sprint for the last couple months and I haven't had much time to sit and just ponder away at life, which is always when I get inspired to write.

Our season for the ranch opened up this past week and it has been great. A bit tiring (I come home at the end of a long workday ready to just crash, my brain still going a mile a minute), but it has reminded me why I am here. I love working with kids, especially watching the smile slowly creap onto their face after being here on the ranch. One instance this week - a young teen came for the first time and I could barely get a word out of her at the beginning, and especially not a smile. At the end of our time together, working and riding a horse, she has such a big, beautiful smile on her face, and she even gave me a hug at the end. Yep, there is such a reward in serving others in a way that energizes my spirit.

As I settle into the routine of the year, I am hoping I won't get so behind on updates. :) Thanks for giving me grief, guys.

Coastal Destination

2006-01-23T22:59:00.000-08:00

Two weekends ago, a few of the girls, Gus (my roommates Jack Russell terrier) and I crammed into Becca’s car with the trunk jammed full of stuff, a full tank of gas, and enough roadtrip food to last us a week. A few phone calls the night before at 11 p.m. confirmed our plans for a spontaneous trip and we headed west with no clear destination except the coast.

As we headed over the pass towards the ocean, I was thankful I wasn’t driving. It was snowing pretty heavily as we hit the summit, but it slowly turned to rain. Ahh, I almost forgot what the weather was like in the valley – overcast, rainy, gloomy skies. But it was still a balm for my soul. One can stay cooped up in one place for only so long (didn’t I just get back from Seattle less than 3 weeks ago?) before you go stir crazy.

We hit up the small coastal towns (me being very thankful I didn’t live in a small coastal town) and spend many hours on the beach. Getting soaked for the most part. But also enjoying a rich sunset with the familiar grains of sand beneath my feet. So many memories of my year in Cannon Beach came flooding back to me.

Life is good when you are living it.

The 4's

2006-01-17T09:47:00.000-08:00

4 jobs you’ve had in your life:
1) Admin Assistant
2) Flower Arranger (I’m so not artistic either…)
3) Nanny
4) Horseback Riding Instructor

4 movies you would watch over and over:
1) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
2) Dirty Dancing
3) Grease
4) Sweet Home Alabama

4 TV shows you love to watch:
1) Gilmore Girls
2) Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
3) I have no TV service…

4 places you’ve been on vacation:
1) Honolulu, Oahu, Hawaii
2) Vermont in the fall
3) Cabo, Baja Peninsula, Mexico (well, it was a mission trip…)
4) Oradea, Romania & Budapest, Hungary (another mission trip…)

4 websites you visited daily:
1) G-mail
2) Ms. Rich
3) Ms. Rich’s Kinja
4) Relevantmagazine (more on a weekly basis)

4 of your favorite foods:
1) Lasagna
2) Mom’s Potato Salad
3) Enchiladas
4) Steak @ Outback Steakhouse

4 things you would change about your house:
1) More square footage
2) Ability to control heat
3) Drawers for silverware and other kitchen items
4) Having an oven

4 favorite authors:
1) Robin Jones Gunn
2) Nicole Johnson
3) Don Miller
4) Kim Meeder

Ahhh … Christmas time

2005-12-16T14:17:00.000-08:00

I love this season – the joy that is felt in giving gifts, hot drinks sipped with good friends, beautiful decorations and the reminder of the paramount event that took place over 2000 years ago.

I am sitting in my room, snuggled up in my new wool blanket. The sounds of Pac-Man float in from the living room, where my roommate is attempting to beat her own high score on her new acquired Atari game. The smell of evergreen once graced our apartment, but that died out too soon.

My two roommates and I purchased a bushy little Noble tree we named Herbert, only for him to meet his demise a week and a half later. It wasn’t due to a lack of water, as he was replenished whenever he needed it. Rather, he was baked to death. Something was wrong with the furnace downstairs (we have no control over the heat; we get whatever drifts up from downstairs) and it felt like a sauna in our tiny little living quarters for a while there. Thankfully it is now fixed and we are no longer hallucinating of the tropics in the summertime. We are no longer boiling in our sleep, but Herbert didn’t make it.

Nevertheless, we didn’t let that dampen our holiday spirit. There are paper snowflakes hanging from the ceiling mimicking the real ones outside, and stockings hung with cheer. Gingerbread cookies and peppermint chocolates were made and devoured, and Roommate Christmas is happening tonight (dessert at a fun restaurant and gift exchange).

I have only a few more days until I fly home for two weeks as well. I am looking forward to this much-needed trip home. Time spent with family and friends is so precious to me and I plan on savoring every moment. Many more Christmas memories are waiting to be made.

Rejoice Always

2005-11-24T20:54:00.000-08:00

I’ve opted to skip Thanksgiving at home in order to spend two weeks during Christmas, which I am very much looking forward to.

But it was a good Turkey Day, regardless. A few girls from the ranch and I had dinner at the home of a friend of ours, someone who moved to Oregon from Chicago partly because of the ranch. It was a feast, not only for our taste buds and stomachs, but also in relationship. It is so good to cultivate friendships and then come together to celebrate them.

To sit around a beautiful and bountiful table, sipping on wine, sharing of who we are – it feels so good to relax and rejoice in the small things that we have to be thankful for.

Rejoice always, pray consistently, and be thankful in all circumstances.

Comforts of Home

2005-10-26T22:00:00.000-07:00

I feel as though I am finally getting settled into my new home.

My two roommates and I were informed about two months ago that we were getting ‘kicked out’ of our wonderful 3 bedroom, 2 bath home. We had the option of moving upstairs to the tiny 2 shoebox-sized-bedroom, even tinier 1 bathroom apartment, though. We searched (in vain) for something that would actually have enough square-footage to house three of us, without living right on top of each other. But in the end, without any other options in sight, we boxed up everything only to move them 8 feet up. (Regardless of how far you move all of our belongings, it is still a pain.)

Of all the places that I have lived, I think this one has the most ‘quirky charm.’ But I guess we all go through those times in our lives that we will later look back on and just laugh at our living situations.

Our dining room is converted into a third bedroom, so at least we all have our own space. Although, space might be a generous term. My bedroom furniture is literally a puzzle that only has one solution. I tried a couple different options, but nothing else would work (unless I wanted to crawl over my bed to get to my closet, or not be able to shut my door, or have to maneuver a couple different items to open my dresser drawers).

We have no oven, but we have purchased a toaster oven, which isn’t quite the same thing, but will provide us with the necessary brownies. I had to buy a small bookshelf to put our microwave on, the kitchen counter wasn’t big enough. And the silverware is sitting out next to it, there isn’t a drawer for it. Our ‘pantry’ is just wasted space behind the fridge, where the ceiling is pitched enough that nothing else would fit back there. (Every time someone goes to get something to eat, it looks like they got lost behind the fridge.)

Heat will drift up from our old residence below at random times. Half the time our house is chilly, the other half boiling hot. We have no control over it; we just get whatever our downstairs neighbors feel like giving us. They also give us the stomach-turning fragrance of incense, which I have a feeling is just a cover up for another smell.

But all in all, it is still our home and we are making it as such.

Summer Fun with our crazy staff...

2005-09-21T09:34:00.000-07:00

Here is most of our staff, a bunch of crazy girls. The following are just some of the adventures that we have had this summer...

Oregon Coast

2005-09-21T09:16:00.000-07:00

Did I learn to surf while in Hawaii last year? No, I had to be a tough chick and learn in the frigid Oregon Coast waters. Thankfully we had wetsuits! And other than getting konked in the head pretty good with my board, it wasn't half bad!

Scaling the Rock

2005-09-21T09:15:00.000-07:00

This really doesn't do the climbing justice - it's not as easy as it looks!

Smith Rock State Park

2005-09-21T09:14:00.000-07:00

Here is most of us at Smith Rock - the #2 climbing spot in the U.S.!

Nighttime Bareback Riding

2005-09-21T09:13:00.000-07:00

Me & Shonee

Changes around every bend...

2005-09-21T09:05:00.000-07:00

Just when I feel like things are falling into a bit of a rut, God likes to stir the pot a bit (alright, a whole lot).

A roommate moved out; a new roommate moved here from Arizona; we have to move; a job change (a good thing) is coming; housesitting jobs seem to be coming out of my ears (which is good for the bank account, just makes you feel like a gypsy); my roommates celebrated not only my B-day, but Birthday Week; guys are dumb (well, one in particular); etc., etc., etc.

In the midst of it all, I'm taking a break up north for a few days and I am so looking forward to spending some relaxed time with some dear friends. Without this break, I think my poor little head might explode.

God, thanks for never giving me more than I can bear with your help!

seeking time to process

2005-08-21T12:08:00.000-07:00

Hmm, life recently has had such a daily quality about it. Which I haven’t decided if that is good or bad yet. In early morning, I just get going, knowing it’s going to be a long day. And as I walk down the driveway from the ranch at the end of it, I know tomorrow will come too quickly.

It seems that all I do is work and seeing that I’m at Starbucks about 27-30 hours a week and then at the ranch another 24 or so, that is pretty accurate. Thankfully I enjoy my jobs for the most part, but it can get a little weary when I feel as though all my free time is spent driving between the two.

But my weekends are generally a time for me to ramp up for the next upcoming week. I will work a bit on the weekends, but it is generally a slower time for me. I even get to sleep in one or two days and lounge on the couch with my book and cup of coffee, which is the perfect way for me to start my day.

It is also the time where I can slow down long enough to process life a bit. I am a processor; it takes me a little time to think through all that has been thrown at me the previous week, to make some sense out of all of it. And writing is one of those ways that I am able to sort through all my thoughts. Unfortunately not much of that writing has made it on the blog, but I’m coming to the last pages in my current journal.

****

This past week has been a doozy as far as processing is concerned…

~ One of the girls who I have become so close with this summer has moved back to Colorado for school and a boy. When she arrived in June, I knew she would only be here for the summer months, but I didn’t count on her finding some a comfortable place in my heart. I had been feeling the drought of not having a girlfriend close by who your soul feels so content with, and then Laura felt the call of God to move here for the summer. It’s hard to imagine this place without her here, so things have felt a bit foreign this past week. But God seems to know what He is doing, so I trust Him for who is leading to and from this ranch, and for those He is leading into my life.

~ I kinda went on a date this past week as well. I won’t go into much detail, but it was nice to wake up in the morning and smile because someone might actually like you. I’m not hanging too much on this yet (especially since he tends to disappear for weeks at a time), I’ll have to wait and see what the future holds.

~ I was a part of my first horse rescue on Friday. I’ve seen some of the pictures of the equines that the ranch has taken in, who were on their last few days of life, but I have not actually seen or touched them when they were in that condition. It was just horrifying to look at this animal, so close to death, yet with such a fire in his eyes. I believe this guy will pull through this, but he is quite old and in such terrible condition, it’s not a certainty.

****

Tomorrow is Monday and the cycle that I call a week will start all over again. But in the meantime, I am enjoying my lazy Sunday. Thanks God, for making days of rest and for allowing me to savor them!

Peace, what a blessed thing

2005-07-24T20:06:00.000-07:00

Steph was here for the weekend and we had a great time together. It is such a nice thing to have the chance to spend quality time with someone who understands you so well. There isn't a whole lot of explaining necessary and you are able to call each other on stuff, all the while knowing that they love you regardless.

Many adventures were had (ranch visiting, horse show attending, Happy Hour seeking, fun eatery discovering, river floating, sunburn soothing, our pizza being taken by a homeless man...ing) :), but peace and quiet were also in abundance.

It is such a gift to be with someone so familiar, which would normally leave me feeling a little homesick, but to have such a peace in my heart. Life isn't perfect, and there are still days when I feel so incomplete, with so many unfulfilled longings, but I have found the tranquility of resting in the Lord for all that lays in the present and the beyond.

In the midst of change and busyness, I have a solid Rock on which I stand and take my strength.

Time just keeps tickin', tickin', tickin'...

2005-07-05T10:02:00.000-07:00

Goodness, time can sure get away from you quickly. It doesn’t seem to register that it is July already – where did the past 4 months go? Have I really lived in Oregon for that long now?

It has been interesting watching this season unfold. It’s hard to describe briefly all that God has done since March, but I will just say this, His hand is definitely in it all. From the jobs, to the home, to the church, new friends, and even the trials, I can see my faith being built and my life and the plan the Lord has for it come to be one day at a time. Granted I don’t always trust that plan every step of the way and I feebly try to uphold what I see as vital all by myself, but overall, I can see growth. Which is always an exciting thing to see, since it rarely unveils itself until much farther down the road.
***
Summer is definitely upon us. The ranch is a little bee’s nest, buzzing with activity everywhere. So much so, that it is hard for me to keep up. Kim is booked with travel and speaking engagements until 2007 and new children keep coming. Which makes for chaos at times, but there are those that are being touched left and right, so I know that God has placed me here for such a time as this.

This week will be a much needed break in the middle of the endurance race. A group of inter-city teens from New York had to cancel their trip out to the ranch (which I was quite disappointed in, I was really looking forward to having fun times with them), but because of that, Kim & Troy are taking the ranch staff on a little vacation to the coast. And they are going to teach us how to surf!

I miss the ocean so much, it will be wonderful to spend many days just breathing in the salty air and feeling the sensation of sand between my toes. And it will be good to spend some down time with the rest of the staff. We can get to full-throttle forward while at the ranch, I feel as though I don’t really know those who I am surrounded by.

Hopefully I won’t come back in a full-body cast from being thrown about in the surf!

Chapter's Introduction

2005-04-21T09:55:00.000-07:00

Life seems to follow wherever you roam. New adventures always come accompanied by you and usually a few other flawed humans – which usually means that this grand new journey that you have set out on will become somewhat flawed as well. At least a bit skewed from what you were expecting.

I have been terrible lately at recording some of my thoughts and days and I think it is the same as a friend has described – life has become so very full of the doing, the being has not had time to catch up.

In these last two months of this new chapter, life has been full to the brim of the unexpected, the planned, hopes and dreams starting to become fulfilled, desires and wishes dashed or delayed, closeness and distance, and everything in between. All in all, very full.

There have been definite moments when my brain and heart are screaming out, “Why the heck are you here?!?” But overall, there have been so many confirmations that here is exactly where I am supposed to be. I may not understand it all, but I have a very good God who is lovingly guiding me.

One of these confirmations and blessings came yesterday evening as I was making dinner. Our back door opened and in stepped a vessel of God in the form of one of the volunteers at the ranch. She was carrying a box of bulk groceries from Costco – and the additional boxes were overflowing in the back of her car. She knew the three of us girls who have recently moved into this house are all living on shoestring budgets (the beauty of working for a non-profit ministry) and just wanted to bless us by bringing us a housewarming gift.

Not only could she not have known how perfect every item of food was for us, she also didn’t know the tension that grocery shopping has been lately. (I’ve been learning how ‘interesting’ it can be to live with someone who has just moved out for this first time.)

I stood there speechless as the food kept coming and coming – I couldn’t do anything but laugh. It was just one more way that God was telling me, “Look, I’ve got you – I know every concern and detail and am working everything together for good. Just be patient and trust wholly in me.”

The adventures will continue and life will inevitably be joyous and frustrating, but as this chapter’s introduction is being penned, I’m continuing to learn the life-long lesson of complete trust in such a faithful God.

Quick Jaunt in the Snow

2005-03-25T11:49:00.000-08:00

As what I have come to hear is quite normal around this area, especially in the high desert, it has snowed this week quite a few times. It’s kind of weird to drive by the elementary school and see “Spring Break” on the billboard with everything blanketed with snow. I am so thankful for the snow tires that are still on my car.

This is Cappie. You can’t tell in this picture, but he was once mistaken for a pig by a little boy. He is what is known as an ‘easy keeper’ – it seems that whatever he eats goes straight to the girth of his gut.

Svara has quickly become one of my favorites. She has the sweetest personality, even though her trot has been compared to riding a pogo-stick.

This is one of our new little guys and has found a place in my heart very swiftly. He is quiet, inquisitive and very low to the ground. He has a little training in front of him before he will be put into the program, but I can see him becoming the first choice for many small children. His name took a little time to decide on, but we have finally dubbed him Buckshot.

Solstice got her name because she has seen the last of her darkest days. She was rescued and brought to the ranch in the middle of January. She has since gained a couple inches and over 100 pounds. Her withdrawn personality has quickly changed into a little spitfire. If you can believe it, she is a 2 year old Quarter Horse. She could easily be mistaken for a very sick 6 month old. But under some TLC, that is quickly being changed.

4 Weeks In

2005-03-24T11:55:00.000-08:00

Whew – this last month have been a whirlwind of God’s provision. In only 4 weeks, I have found friends, 2 jobs, and a place to call my own.

In 8 days, a couple girls who also work at the ranch and I will be moving into a 3-bedroom bunkhouse that is just around the corner from the ranch. Goodbye 40 minute commute. Hello short little bike ride. My parents will be moving all my stuff that has been in storage down here next weekend and I will finally be able to settle in. (My parents are the best – I couldn’t ask for anything more in them.)

After what seemed like much deliberation and much pursuing by my part, Starbucks has decided that they can’t survive without me. It took them a little while to see how amazing I am, but they finally got it. I start there the beginning of April.

The same exact day that I start training at Sbux, the ranch officially opens for kids. (I’m foreseeing a very-exhausted Julie by the end of that day.) That is also the first day that I will be clocking in and out at the ranch – yep, they are officially hiring me.

It’s hard to believe at times that all of this has come together so beautifully. Such a confirmation that this is right where I am supposed to be.

Longings

2005-03-11T10:19:00.000-08:00

I think I have the two week itch. Or homesickness is sinking in.

The first little bit of this new adventure has seemed a bit like a short-term missions trip. You go with the knowledge that God will be using you and making everything come together in His time, but now I’m feeling the need for familiarity and the comforts of home.

I want a good home-cooked meal (that wasn’t thrown together by me after a long exhausting day).

I want the closeness and comforts of family. People who know you through and through and love you regardless of your shortcomings.

I want those deep friendships, where you can call anytime and invite yourself over.

I want to look forward to my weekends, knowing that you’ll be doing something fun with friends, rather than wondering how the heck you are going to pass the time.

I want to drive on streets that I know like the back of my hand. A place where you don’t have to consult a map or drive around aimlessly for 15 minutes trying to figure out where you are.

I want my commute to work to be my nice little 2 mile hop, instead of a 45 mile roundtrip trek across the desert.

I know, just take one thing at a time, but I’m just a little tired of trying so hard right now.
***
Here’s how you know you’ve reached my street, just look for the overabundance of mailboxes:

Trust with a Shaky Hand

2005-03-07T12:47:00.000-08:00

Anyone who has read Blue Like Jazz can probably figure out which chapter I just finished reading.
***
I don’t often make New Year’s resolutions, but my finances were so out of control in December of 2003, I vowed to create a budget and hold to it. No more use of my credit cards (especially on frivolous things like new shoes or a full-price movie with popcorn), No more overdraft fees at the bank because I didn’t keep track of all my debit receipts, no more waiting till the last minute to pay my bills, just barely slipping by without late charges.

I surprised myself by actually sticking to it. I itemized all of my expenses, with the monthly bills getting paid as soon as I got my paycheck deposited. But the one line item that always seemed to get shifted to other areas had the title of Tithe.

I don’t know why I have such a problem with giving back to God what is already His. I guess all the old lies that are fed to so many others are the ones that I believe too.

“It’s not really even that much, it’s not like the church is really going to suffer without my measly little amount.”
“I can barely get by as it is, how do you expect me to pay all my monthly bills without that money?”
“Well, I bought Susie a coffee last week, so that’s kind of like giving to charity, right? I mean, it’s helping the church, which is really the body…”

To be honest, that last one still gets me. I think I can justify a lot of things to make them seem legit. But really, when I bought that coffee, I wasn’t thinking of giving to the ‘church’, I was just spending money. Money that I didn’t necessarily have left in the Coffee Budget, so I just kind of ‘borrowed’ it from the Tithe Budget. But lately, God has really been nailing me about this area of my life.

In this recent step-out-in-faith time in my life, I have slowly been learning how to truly trust God for all of the details that I really don’t have a lot of control over. And I’ve stood back and have been amazed at how perfectly this journey is coming together for me. So many of the small things that I have been concerned about are all coming together as such a confirmation that I am right where the Lord wants me.

But He knows there is at least one area of trust that I am reluctant in. My finances. I know He is asking if I trust Him enough for all things that I would be obedient in the small amount that He is asking for back. I want to be, but I feel like I am tentatively holding that offering out to Him, but just close enough to me that I can snatch it back if I really start to sink. But that method didn’t work too well for Peter when he failed to trust the Lord when he was walking on the water, so I know it’s not going to work for me either.

The Lord hasn’t forgotten or forsaken me yet, so I don’t expect Him to do it anytime in the future. This is just one more step in following Him and relinquishing control.

Both Feet In

2005-03-03T22:49:00.000-08:00

Well, here I am. It’s only been a little over a week after my going-away lunch at my old office and it feels like years ago already. I’m getting settled in here in my new life, but it feels so strange.

I made it down on Saturday and got somewhat settled. As much as you can when you are living with two people you don’t know. I’m learning how this situation works, but it will nice to get my own place, just for the sake of actually feeling at home. But I am also so very thankful that the Lord has provided this place for me to stay. (Except for the fact that I am living out in the sticks with only 1 bar of cell coverage, if I don't move around.)

I sat by the river on Sunday and just cried my eyes out. My parents had helped me move down and they had just left and I felt so very alone and scared. It has been awhile since I’ve been in a new town so very far away from home where I didn’t know anyone. I had forgotten how daunting it can be. But the foreboding feeling has quickly slipped away as I’ve gotten to know some people and jumped into things at the ranch. There were only about two days where I was seriously ready to just repack all my stuff and head home.

But the Lord is so good to me. I’ve only been at the ranch for three days of training so far, but am already feeling like this is going to be an amazing community. There may be a more permanent place to call home becoming reality in a few months, and I’m trusting God in His plan for a job. Two nights this week I’ve been invited to dinner at homes of the ranch staff. This is feeling more and more like I could call this place home soon.

This has definitely been an experiment in obedience for me and I know that there is still more to come. It can be a bit of a scary thing, but I know God’s plans are more than I could even ask or imagine, so I’m ready to trust Him for them.

Running Late

2005-02-26T07:38:00.000-08:00

I know, I know, I've been a pathetic excuse of a writer lately. Just a few things going on in my life. I'm hoping to have a little time and inspiration coming shortly.

Today's the big day - I'm moving south. I won't go into all the mixed emotions I've been having lately (I'll save all that for another day), but I woke up thinking, "Um, no, actually, I don't think I want to move. Forget that I am currently unemployed here, I've said good-bye to everyone save one, the car is packed to the gills with my junk. I think I will just stay put." I've learned to not listen to that voice in the mornings when I first wake up. It's usually the same one that says, "Wake up to go to work? Nah, just stay in your nice toasty bed for a little while longer... zzz."

But regardless, here I go. Prayers would be appreciated. Updates soon to follow (if I can find a wireless internet connection).

Looking forward and then bringing it back

2005-02-14T21:26:00.000-08:00

Another Valentines Day that, to the world’s standards, wasn’t quite up to par. It was most evident when I stopped by the grocery store after work to pick up a few things to make enchiladas with my brother. Every other male in the place had a bouquet of flowers in his hand. None for me. But you know what, that is okay. Instead of crying in my cereal (because I’m not a big fan of cereal anyway) that there isn’t someone to spoil me with roses and chocolates and to whisper sweet nothings in my ear, I continue to look forward with hope, trusting in the knowledge that Christ sees my heart. He knows my prayers that no one else has access to. I believe He loves me more than I can even fathom, so I’ll trust in His timing and plans. I’m just being to discover how sweet they are.

I did think back on a Valentines Day approximately 16 years ago. I was in 1st grade and was one of those girls who spent hours hand-crafting Valentines for every student in my class. No store-bought ones for me!

The next day as I was going around the room passing out my little tokens of love, I realized that I had missed one. The night before as I was writing each name on the frilly paper hearts, I thought I had accounted for everyone. But I had forgotten one name. I felt utterly crushed inside. I don’t even think he noticed, but I did. And to this day, I still remember his name… Patrick.

So, my Valentines advice: don’t forget people, it might be ingrained in your memory forever. And avoid grocery stores too.

Good-bye Desk Job

2005-02-11T09:42:00.000-08:00

Congratulations to Natalie for scoring the much sought after position that I will be leaving in exactly 8 business days. Many happy copier-jam-free days to you! :) Seriously, you get to work with some great people (2 of them being directly related to you), take good care of Peter and Michelle for me.

2005-02-01T22:45:00.000-08:00

Here are some pictures from this past weekend. I would definitely categorize it in the more random weekends that I have had, but it was a good one too.

Stacey and I headed over to Seattle (we barely made the ferry, thanks to a slowpoke with California plates, but what else is new?), met up with Corey and had some grub at The Old Spaghetti Factory. Yum!

Then we headed over to the Freemont District to attend an alternative worship service. Very artsy and different from the norm, but it was great. There was a little dancing afterwards too. :)

Stace and I then headed out with Bethany (who we had just met) to a friend of her’s place for a little karaoke action. I sadly didn’t get any pictures of the off-key fun. (Thanks, Bethany, for having us – it was a blast!)

There is one more thing to check off the life’s list: sing horribly at karaoke in front of people you just met half an hour ago.

Yep, the escapades of Stacey & Julie, you just never quite know what fun we’ll have next.

Typical

2005-01-27T17:59:00.000-08:00

I was going through some files at work, doing some cleaning up. I browsed through some pictures from the Internship days… when I helped to lead a college-age ministry training center. Those were the good ol’ days. I came across these pictures:

You know you live in Seattle when you take your whole posse of girls in a 15 passenger van through the drive-up espresso stand.

No Turning Back

2005-01-25T13:38:00.000-08:00

My plans are now officially official.

I turned in my resignation on Friday and felt surprisingly nervous about it. As confident as I was about my decision, it’s hard to let go of what you have. Although I may not feel challenged in my job, or alive in my current pursuits, they are still easy and right in front of me. I don’t need to stretch out and grab them, they are within my arm’s reach.

But as soon as those doubts assail me, they are whisked away by the knowledge of how God has been preparing me for this change. And also that He will be walking in front, beside, and behind me the entire way.

I sat down with my boss (who is also one of my closest friend’s mom), and told her my plans and gave my notice. After I was able to share my story of how this all came about, she asked to pray for me and started to get choked up. It has been such an amazing thing to work in an environment that has been so encouraging and uplifting.

I made the announcement to the rest of the staff today in our Staff Meeting and was greeted with warm smiles and encouraging nods as I looked around the table. I know that as much as they hate to see me go, they are behind me completely.

But now there is no turning back! Yikes, here I go!

Blown Away

2005-01-20T19:18:00.000-08:00

That’s what I am right now. Completely blown away.

I’ve watched for the last two weeks as God has been orchestrating this new journey for me, He has been hand-crafting it to fit the desires, talents, and concerns that I have.

I talked with a friend of a friend the other night who lives in Bend and worked at Crystal Peaks for awhile. She sounds like an awesome girl and told me to give her a call when I get into town and she will show me around. And I was worried that I didn’t know a soul down there.

I got an email two days ago from the ranch’s volunteer coordinator who I’ve been communicating with for the last two weeks to see if I could come down and interview for a part-time admin position. I have so much experience with that, I think it would be a perfect fit. Plus, their starting pay is so good for a non-profit. And I was worried about finding a job.

I just got the confirmation that I am able to stay rent-free with a lady who supports the ranch until I get settled. And I was worried that I didn’t have a place to live.

From the very beginning I felt like this was something I was supposed to do. I took the first step by visiting this place, and ever since then, doors have been opening left and right. I’ve never been in the situation where I knew without a shadow of a doubt that this is where I am supposed to go. It brings such confidence and assurance.

It also makes me wonder why I haven’t trusted and relied more fully on God before. That’s something that is going to change!

Jeremiah 32:27 – “Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh; is there any thing too hard for me?”

1 John 5:14-15 – This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us – whatever we ask – we know that we have what we asked of him.

Surrounded by Love’s

2005-01-15T19:57:00.000-08:00

Family – there’s nothing that is really like it. They can either be your biggest allies, or your most painful heartbreakers.

While my family is certainly not perfect, I can’t imagine life without them. Today was one of those days where I felt so incredibly blessed to have these three special people in my life.

I said goodbye to my cat today. I sat outside in the freezing cold in my p.j.’s, tears streaming down my face as I spent a few last moments with her. I think she must have sensed something was wrong, because she stayed by my side for quite a while. As ridiculous as it sounds to be grieving so much over the loss of an animal, it hit me really hard. I’ve always know it would, it’s just a little hard to believe that she is now gone.

I sat in our living room with sobs racking my body as my mom drove out of the driveway to take my kitty to the vet. My brother was in the backyard digging up the frozen ground. When my mom returned, with a small cardboard ‘casket’, my dad put her into the hole and shoveled the dirt on top.

I sat and watched while crying, but also feeling so thankful, through the pain, for this family that God has given me.

We spent the entire rest of the day together – something that is incredibly rare. We went out to lunch, spend some time at Barnes & Noble browsing through some books and sitting in the café together having coffee, and then went to go see a movie. It was a really good day, as hard as it started.

I came home, checked my email, and found a new mail message. The ranch wants me down there the beginning of March. That’s in 6 weeks! A mixture of exhilaration and panic immediately filled me as I rushed down the hall to share my news. Their reactions were a mix of encouragement and sorrow. I know they are excited about this possibility for me, but they hate to see their ‘little girl’ go… again.

Regardless that my day was such a crazy mix of emotions, I’ve realized once again that the one constant is my family. Sure, there will be many more times when we don’t see eye to eye, or we’ll get in petty little fights, but I know that they would die for me, and that’s a great realization to have. I truly felt their arms wrap around me today, literally and figuratively.

Don't Blink Now

2005-01-14T08:44:00.000-08:00

You know how the weather around the world has been kind of on the crazy side? A surprisingly dry winter in the Pacific Northwest, snow in Texas, hurricanes in Florida, earthquakes and tsunamis in Asia, mudslides in California? It’s kind of like everything is coming to a head, and my life was feeling the same way on Wednesday.

I’m usually pretty good at multitasking and handling many large things at once, but the day was too much even for me.

First on the list – my car. What I thought might be just a simple front end alignment has turned out to be $1600 worth of damage. I’ve never had an accident before, and I’ve never had to deal with insurance claims, so I am learning much about that right now. I’m currently driving my little brother’s truck, so at least I have transportation, but I will be so thankful to get my little car back.

My pastor, whose family I am very close with also, has been long trying to set me up with someone. He finally somewhat succeeded and I went out with this guy on Monday. We had a nice time over coffee and he’s taking me out again on Friday, but I’m not so sure about this whole thing. I know I’m kind of on the picky side, but God knows that too and I’m confident that He has someone for me that will be a great match. I just don’t think I’ve found it yet.

I received an email response back from the ranch that sounds very promising. I still need to get some of the details worked out, but things are definitely looking good and moving forward in that regard.

I got home from work on Wednesday to come to the conclusion that it’s time to put my cat to sleep. She is almost 16, and is having some problems. For those of you who aren’t cat people, you may be thinking, “Good riddance. One less cat in the world.” But I have had her since I was about 6 or so. She was always the one to come and snuggle with me when I was crying and was my only ally when I was a teenager, angry at the whole world.

I sat in my room afterwards just sobbing. The kind of crying where you just feel like you are going to be sick. The cat thing alone was enough to make me cry, but everything together was just too much. I was lying curled in a ball on the floor crying out to God, saying, “Not one more thing, I can’t handle it. I’m experiencing every emotion known to man and my mind and body are just going to shut down if one more thing, good or bad, happens. I know you say you won’t give me more than I can handle, but I think I’ve reached my limit. I know you want me to cast all my cares on you, and I’m trying, but I’m just about spent.”

The really crazy thing was that at the same time, I was thinking, “I truly feel alive at this moment.” Pain, confusion, happiness, emotions signifies that you are alive. It’s more alive than I’ve felt in the past 6 months. Going through my motions of life just feels dead to me. God is doing something big, and is preparing me for it. The enemy doesn’t want it to happen and it throwing every trick in the book at me right now. As much as I hate that, I also see God working at combating them, even though that means I’m getting put through the wringer a little right now.

It is now a couple days later and I’ve had time to process everything and am doing much better, but life is still a bit on the crazy side. It doesn’t look like it is really going to let up anytime soon. Especially if this thing with the ranch works out, there will be many more changes coming up. Whew, I better get prepared!

Good night? It's still up in the air...

2005-01-09T01:49:00.000-08:00

Steph and I had a great time last night – a night out in Seattle. We had a fabulous dinner at the Palomino followed by The Lion King at the Paramount Theatre. It was incredible – the costumes and sets were pretty amazing, so creative.

I love going to the theatre – it makes me feel so cultured. I’m really not, but I can fake it alright for a bit. Long enough to enjoy some of the stage, that is.

I was also reminded that it’s always an adventure when Steph and I are together. We started out by wondering around the city for a bit. Seattle’s streets are a little on the crazy side – good luck trying to find your way around if you are from out of town. But after asking 4 different people for directions, we managed to make our reservations at the restaurant and also be seated before the show began.

Afterwards, we made our way back to the ferry terminal only to find out we had just missed the boat and had to wait over an hour for the next one. On to more wondering of the streets… We didn’t head too far though (not too smart for two girls at night), just down to the Ivar’s Fish & Chip stand for something to drink.

When we finally landed on our side of the water and headed back into Poulsbo, we discovered it had been snowing over there. I had almost delivered Steph safely home, but that was before my car decided to have a mind of its own and slam me into the sidewalk just two houses down from hers. It was a sad moment. I have decided that I hate snow. And I want to move somewhere that has snow all winter? Ha! We’ll see how that goes – I may stay in my house all winter!

Here’s to good friends who are great adventure-pals, those who rescue you when you don’t have a drivable car, and to future studded snow tires!

New Day

2005-01-04T18:10:00.000-08:00

Yes! Finally my little bro is growing up enough to start buying good music, so that I can delight in it as well! That along with stealing Stacey's music collection, and I am the happy owner of some sweet new tunes. So many songs, so little time.

Work is back to normal today - people are actually there and being productive, not just wasting time and watching the clock as almost everyone else is taking crazy amounts of holiday time. Oh wait, maybe that was just me. In any case, I now feel slightly motivated to get some stuff done, especially since I have some deadlines looming. I get rather slack during the holidays at the office, things slow way down and there doesn't seem much point to work very hard. It doesn't help that I am already feel 'short-timers' disease. I'm ready to move on.

The weather is amazing right now - the air is chilly, but it's so clear out with the sun shining brightly. I took a little run after work with my dog in tow. As we approached the downtown area of the quaint Norwegian town that I live in, it was getting pretty dark. I sat down at the waterfront marina watching the last slivers of light fade behind the mountains. I truly live in such a breathtaking place. I was consciously soaking it in, burning that memory into my mind to take it with me as I go on. This place will always be home to me. The place where you feel yourself relax just bit more as you drive into town. I will miss it, but I also know that new adventures await just around the bend.

Good Reminder

2004-12-30T16:18:00.000-08:00

Am I the only one who gets asked by strangers why I’m not married or dating anyone? It’s bothersome enough when it’s from people I know at weddings or family gatherings, but total strangers who I’ve just met? (I guess it could be partly due to the fact that I work at a church where there are a lot of younger staff, all freshly married within the last two years or so.)

Granted, it’s a question I ask myself sometimes. My parents say I’m too picky, but I figure it’s better to be a little picky than not. For the most part, I’m okay with this single thing, but there are definitely moments when it would be nice for that dream to unfold in my life.

It’s always interesting when a bunch of us girls get together and start chatting late into the night. Everyone has their boyfriend/dating/break-up stories, and I just listen and throw in my one story about when I was 17… It always makes me feel a bit juvenile.

But I was reminded a couple nights ago that God is looking out for my best. As much as I complain at times that He hasn’t brought “the one” into my life as I watch all my friends (and the younger girls I used to mentor) get married, I found myself saying, “Thank you, Jesus.” For some reason, He is sparing me from unneeded pain and a damaged heart. He is allowing me to have my life and heart shaped without distractions. He is daily preparing me for what He’s got in store.

I’m sure I’ll go on complaining (and having random people gawk that some guy hasn’t “snatched me up”), but deep down I’ll quietly trust in the plan He is unfolding. I can’t see much of it yet, but I know it’s a good one.

January's a-comin'

2004-12-28T10:38:00.000-08:00

I had a blessed Christmas season, although it always seems to come to a close so quickly. There is such anticipation and build-up, and then in one fell swoop, it is finished and you are left picking up stray pieces of wrapping paper and disassembling the decorated tree.

But that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. If the whole year was as event-packed and frantic as December was, our life expectancy would probably be shortened by about 40 years. I’m always thankful for the January calm when it approaches with the freshness of a new year.

Yet as packed as this last month was, there were some sweet memories as well. I got to spend some quality time with my family – which is sometimes a rare thing with all of our conflicting schedules. The annual tree hunt is always a highlight.

A new addition to this years Christmas memories: an all-out Alias fest for my brother and I. 2 full seasons in the span of about a month – that’s a lot of TV time logged. (We found a new addiction and need to be caught up for when the 4th season starts on January 4.)

Another memory that I think needs to be at least a yearly occurrence - a trip to the nearby ice skating rink. Fun times had by all, especially Missy with her face-plant to the ice. Pictures will follow shortly.

What excitement the city holds...

2004-12-22T08:56:00.000-08:00

Friday night found me on the ferry to Seattle to meet up with a good friend of mine, Linnea. She and an old roommate of mine, Shannon, just moved into a darling one-bedroom apartment on Alki. Literally right across the street from the strip of beach front with a beautiful view of the lights of Seattle. I’m sure they will have lots of interesting stories that always seem to come from the one bedroom vs. two bedroom places. (I’ve found it is always better to air of the side of caution – get a place with enough bedrooms for each person), but the location is awesome.

After hanging out at her new place for a bit, we headed off to the Paradox to go to a Late Tuesday show – an indie girl band started up in Bellingham. The venue was a bit different (just an empty room with a stage – everyone was sitting on the cold, hard floor during the opening band. Felt a little like a Kindergarten room…), but LT was awesome, as always.

I took some pictures to post, but my camera’s memory card crapped out on me. This will have to do: Not The One

It's Christmas Time in the City

2004-12-15T09:53:00.000-08:00

Well, Stacey and I came out unscathed last night from the Christmas Shopping Extravaganza. The driver of a green Mazda almost took us out a couple times, but we managed to successfully drive about Silverdale without a wreck or lost limbs. And we didn’t do half bad on the shopping either, almost got everything I was looking for.

Some of my favorite moments:

A cheap dinner at Red Robin.
We both ordered our old standby, Kids sized Clucks and Fries. It’s genius really – you get two chicken strips and unlimited fries, just enough to make you full. Our server (realizing from our order that we weren’t going to be his big tippers of the evening) was great to us. I think he figured if he was very attentive to our needs and delivered speedy service, he might up his ante a little. And it worked. We are not known for our chintzy tips. (Thanks to my poor math skills, we once gave a $10 tip for a $30 breakfast. Sorry girls!)

Hallmark, when you care enough to give the very best.
After browsing through the Fresh Ink cards (and laughing at the Love section – depending on who you gave some of those cards to, it could get really staker-ish.), we walked up to the front to pay for the winning card. The Sales Associate was a little on the …. hmm, shall we say discourteous side? Not impressed. I used to work at Hallmark back in the day, so it stuck out to me all the more.

As we were attempting to exit the store, I whispered to Stacey, “Good thing we weren’t secret shoppers or something, huh?”

She quickly retorted, “Yeah, wasn’t she awful!” in a not-so-quiet voice, before we entered back into the abyss of the mall walkway.

“Why don’t you say that a little louder?” I had a good laugh at Stace’s expense after I pointed out her volume and she quickly turned bright red. The holiday shopping was quickly getting to our systems and we weren’t about to last much longer.

Just about gone.
Our last stop was at Pier 1. As we browsed around the store, we became those annoying shoppers – the ones who are laughing hysterically about nothing, shouting across the store at each other when we found a desired item, and making the sales person dismantle a candle display because we were in need of the item that held it all together. Thankfully we managed to leave the store intact as we departed.

~~~

One more Holiday tradition under the belt for this year. Just a couple more to go!

Theatre, the theatre...

2004-12-13T17:59:00.000-08:00

Wow – crazy weekend! Between the Dessert Theatre and the Christmas Concert, I was one busy chica. 6 performances in 4 days is enough to wear anyone out. Strolling into work today felt a little premature. Having been at the church all weekend, I was not necessarily thrilled to see it again come this morning.

Over all, everything went great, though. Had my debut for singing a solo and actually didn’t do half bad. The first two nights I was a little shaky, but I mentally pep-talked myself through it. (At least I knew the lyrics well enough that I was able to silently lecture myself while singing.) By Saturday, I had it down – of course this was our last performance, naturally.

Here is the rising star:

Giving up Control (at least what control I thought I had)

2004-12-10T10:07:00.000-08:00

Sometimes this temporal life that I lead seems to take center stage. I get caught up in the day to day of my earthly existence and fail to see the broader scope of things.

So many times, as I go about ‘life,’ I get so tunnel-visioned. I somehow get it into my head that what I see is all there is. I am the one in control, if I am not the one to make everything happen, my life will fall by the wayside.

I do agree that I have a part (I can’t just sit as a bump on a log and expect my gifts to be used and steps to be taken for me). I do need to make good decisions, and follow what is placed in my path, but I don’t need to create that path. All of my days were appointed before one of them even came to be. It’s such a freeing realization and reminder.

Even if I can’t see around the bend of the next step or the ten year plan, it’s okay. I just need to follow the promptings that I have, and learn to trust more fully in my Lord who is leading. He’s putting together a story with my life that will bring Him glory and honor.

One of those mornings...

2004-12-03T09:53:00.000-08:00

It’s just been one of those mornings so far that you kind of shake your head at, but keep going.

I was running late from the get-go (which tends to happen if I hang out a little too late with good friends in a hot tub the night before). I’m not one to figure out the next day’s outfit the night before, but I’m sure that if I were, I could save some time in the mad dash to get out the door to work in the mornings. But thankfully today is Friday, and it’s a little more lax around the office as far as attire goes.

As I went to put on my shoes though, I discovered that I had carelessly put them on the floor under where I had hung my wet swimsuit from the night before. Let’s just say I got a dose of cold (and wet) feet this morning. As a result, those shoes were tossed aside and I had to search for a suitable pair of black work shoes. It also reminded me that I need to go shoe shopping – it’s been way too long.

Not having time to scrounge up some breakfast at home, I stopped by a local coffeeshop to indulge in a tall white mocha and a bagel (they also have breakfast burritos, which are delicious, but I figured a bagel was probably a safer option for this morning). Apparently it was also one of those mornings for the baristas too, because it took about 3 times longer that I would have hoped to get my coffee and breakfast. It was my day to open up the office, but I came in to discover my boss had done it for me. Not necessarily a good thing. J

I’m hoping the rest of the day goes a little smoother, but I’m not holding my breath!

The Lion King

2004-12-01T18:03:00.000-08:00

Here's the highlight of my day - I bought 2 tickets to see the Broadway production of The Lion King!

Steph and I will be going in early January. This makes it my 5th ballet/broadway show that I've seen in about 14 months - I'm finally becoming cultured! :)

It's Starting to Look a Lot Like Christmas...

2004-11-30T08:53:00.000-08:00

Wow, Thanksgiving is already over and the Christmas season is hurrying on by. I always wonder every year how it could have come so quickly, but I’m not complaining – this is a great time of the year. (Unless of course, you work in retail, then I guess it’s not so pleasant. I do remember, though.)

I started off the Turkey Day festivities with a little romp in the mud. I dug out my old lacrosse cleats (they haven’t seen daylight in a few years) and joined the boys (and a few brave girlfriends of mine) on the football field for what sounded like fun for the moment. Four days later and I am just now recovering from the torture I subjected my body to. Ouch! This girl is not used to 2 hours of running around and tackling people. Well, tackling would be a skewed term – chasing after the QB and occasionally 2 hand touching would be a little more accurate.

After the turkey, stuffing, and all the works had a day to settle, we went and picked out our Christmas tree. The morning following that I got a wake up call from a friend saying to get ready because I was being treated to The Nutcracker at McCaw Hall in Seattle. Not a bad way to wake up! We had a fabulous time enjoying the freezing cold weather, wonderful friends, and a beautiful ballet.

The Christmas season is officially upon us!

Step of Faith

2004-11-19T10:37:00.000-08:00

Steps of faith – it’s never an easy thing, but if it’s a step in the right direction, there is nothing more rewarding.

I just got back from a road trip down to Bend, Oregon to check out the ranch that has been on my heart and mind for the past couple months. Stepping foot on the soil that has been a lifeline to so many horses and kids seemed a little surreal. The chilly air reminded me that this was very real, but it was slightly hard to believe that I was actually there, in Oregon, checking into this possibility, rather than just going along my daily existence talking about this thing I would like to do, but never actually taking the step to possibly make it a reality.

I was able to take a tour of the ranch, hear the stories of the different horses, be loved on by these gentle giants, and see this haven of rescued dreams. There were some boys from the local juvenile detention center there doing chores, and also so other kids riding some of the horses. I got the chance to see the ranch is motion, and it was an incredible sight. It made my heart long to be a part of the mission that they have.

They close down for the winter (December – April), but it looks like a good possibility that I may be taking up residence in Central Oregon come spring. It’s a scary thought, but also a liberating one. If you get a chance, I highly recommend the book that the owner, Kim Meeder, has written about the ranch (Hope Rising) – it’s definitely a tear-jerker.

Shake Your Tailfeathers

2004-11-10T22:32:00.000-08:00

In honor of Bosses Day, each year we get everyone together and have a little celebration in honor of our pastors. Included in this celebration is always a healthy dose of competion. In years past, it has been a scanvenger hunt, or racing a car that you had 5 minutes to build with what you could find in our supply room

This year, since we were a little tardy in our celebration (I think Bosses Day is usually around the middle of October - hey, it's better late than never, right?), we had a slightly Thanksgiving-ish feel to the afternoon.

Their challenge was to build a turkey with the items that were placed in front of them. Here are the results:

2004-11-10T22:05:00.001-08:00

Ready, Set... GO!

2004-11-10T22:04:00.000-08:00

Turkey Line-up

2004-11-10T22:03:00.000-08:00

Pastoral Line-up

2004-11-10T22:02:00.000-08:00

The Boys

Love Note

2004-11-10T10:01:00.000-08:00

I found a little love note this morning. It wasn’t for me, but for the next best thing – my parents. This is one reason why I am blessed to be where I am at right now – otherwise I might have missed this.

My mom had left a little note by the coffee pot for my dad, brother and I saying something about pears being ripe, so we should eat them. My dad had written on top of the note, “Just to let you know, I know what you do. I can tell the tub’s been cleaned, even the sink. And in the dark I know that my underwear drawer is full and I could smell the coffee.”

It may seem like trivial little things, but I know that note will mean the world to my mom (my guess is that it might even bring her to tears). That is what I want to learn, that even after 27 years of marriage, the little things matter.

Find someone who you can encourage today, by taking the time to notice the small things.

Ready to Fight...

2004-11-09T08:16:00.000-08:00

I take off for Oregon in only 4 more days. I’m really looking forward to checking out this opportunity and to see where it might bring me. As I was browsing around the internet doing some research about Bend, Oregon, I ran across this – a blog entry from a young girl. This is one of the reasons my heart gets so excited about this possibility – it touches real people right where they are at. This ranch is a safe place where love can spill out onto others.
~~~~~~

Who I Wish I Was:

I'd be pretty and smart. I'd be happy and without constant depression. And most of all, I'd have horses. I'd be a lovely redhead-brunette mix, without the scars I have and without all the splints I'm constantly wearing. I'd be graceful, rarely awkward, and be able to talk to the boy I love without freaking out when I call and hang up.

I'd be Princess of my own world, with my own room (hey, I could even handle a room with my youngest sibling, but NOT all three!), and be enrolled in an online college course about horse training. I'd be a 14-yr-old jockey and ride a Triple Crown winner to victory, I'd be a Junior Leader at Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch, a place that saved my life, and I'd be able to get through a day without being told I'm stupid.

That's who I wish I was.

Reality: I'm constantly told I'm ugly and dumb by my own family, I'm depressed 99% of the time, a total klutz with peanut-butter colored hair (why couldn't grape jelly color have been added???), and totally shy around a guy I've liked since I was 12. I'm basically a social outcast, meaning nobody to talk to, I have to share a room in a 5 bedroom house with three younger sisters, my brother has his own room and my mom and dad share. It's not like they can't spare one! And I barely passed 8th grade!

I'm small enough to be a jockey, but a) I'm SO inexperienced, b) my mom wouldn't let me after I've broken my arm 2 times on my own and the doc had to break it once to reset it, and c) I live in Oregon! It's not like I'm able to travel to the other side of the US for training! I don't even have my own horse!

Thanks to my injury, I'm not allowed to ride until at LEAST August, possibly later, and there is no way I'd be able to accomplish all that anyways!

I'll just be me for now, and possibly later I'll become who I want to be.

~~~~~

I want to have a positive say in this girl's life, I want to be a part of extending hope to those who feel there is none. I want to be used of God to encourage and lift up the broken hearted.

Coffee Cup Inspiration

2004-11-05T09:13:00.000-08:00

Here is a little quote that was on the coffee mug that I used this morning. I thought it was quite fitting for my current situation.

“Faith is risking what is for what is yet to be. It is taking small steps knowing they lead to bigger ones. Faith is holding on when you want to let go. It is letting go when you want to hold on. Faith is hearing God’s yes when everything else says no. It is seeing the Light in darkness, the presence of God in all.” ~ Ellen M. Cuomo

Once Upon A Time...

2004-11-04T10:52:00.000-08:00

I like stories.

I am currently reading (for the first time) The Chronicles of Narnia. I know, I know, I was deprived during my childhood because I didn’t grow up with these stories, but I think I turned out alright.

As I am reading through the Chronicles, I am trying to catch all the symbolism and Lewis’ motivation for telling this fantasy behind the stories that he told. I was doing alright through The Magician’s Nephew and The Lion, the Witch, & The Wardrobe, but am slightly lost to the story behind The Horse & His Boy. I’m right in the middle of the book and that is usually the most difficult time to see what is really going on and what the outcome will be.

I’ve discovered along this journey of mine that that holds quite true for real life as well. As I travel through my days, I wonder what adventures I may behold along the way and the reason for them. And what the compilation of those adventures will be at the end of my life. Ultimately I know that my end result will be heaven, but my days here on earth hold much mystery.

I know the story that Christ is making with my life is a good one – he’s already promised me that. I’m just learning how to enjoy the ride and not get caught up in the details. I’ve taken to heart a line from my current reading.

“One of the drawbacks about adventures is that when you come to the most beautiful places you are often too anxious and hurried to appreciate them.” ~ C.S. Lewis, A Horse & His Boy

May you be blessed today and may you enjoy the journey!

Ol' Blue Eyes

2004-10-30T20:55:00.000-07:00

This has been the week of music. Last night Stacey and I headed over to the Bremerton Community Theater and took in a Frank Sinatra Tribute. It was put together really well with a cabera setting. The music was timeless, but what was even more memorable was the other patrons of the evening. Other than two girls about our age, almost everyone was over the age of 70. It was really quite adorable.

It was interesting to think that those older couples had lived their lives to this music. I felt rather young as we walked through the lobby and found our seats, but also that I was sharing in their past and stories.

Thursday Evening Blessings

2004-10-29T01:24:00.000-07:00

Tonight is one of those nights where you just don't want to go to work tomorrow. But I can't quite slip off to bed yet either.

I was blessed with an all-expenses paid evening out to Seattle for dinner (Chicken Marsala at Buca di Beppo's - always a favorite) and a concert - the Stephen Curtis Chapman, Casting Crowns, and Chris Tomlin tour. There is just something about listening to a band live that makes you appreciate their music that much more. I'm not a huge SCC fan, but Casting Crowns and Chris Tomlin were excellent. Both of them had their lyrics up on the screens, facilitating a large worship atmosphere. I soaked it in, while praising my God - it makes me anxious for heaven.

My one blunder of the evening - while walking out of the concert, I wasn't paying attention to where exactly I was heading, until I crashed smack into a pole. There's really nothing you can do but turn red and laugh it off. I'm happy to be amusement to my fellow concert-goers.

Alright, it's time for this chica to head to bed. Friday's tomorrow - dancing a little jig of joy.

Redemption

2004-10-26T09:20:00.000-07:00

I attended a graduation ceremony this past weekend for a girl that I’ve know for quite a few years now. She had been going through the program offered by Teen Challenge (a one year residential program that helps men and women who have drug or addiction problems), and had finally completed all of the requirements. The graduation was a celebration of all of her accomplishments to straighten out her life.

It has certainly been a journey watching and intervening in her life for the past 5 years or so. There have been many others who have also worked to minister to this hurt girl, but it all seemed to not make much of a difference. The summer after her high school graduation showed the downward spiral that her life was becoming, but it was only when she hit rock bottom that she truly realized her need for a drastic change. She applied to attend Teen Challenge, knowing that without a radical alteration in her life-style, she didn’t have much of a future. A spot opened up for her last September, and through a series of challenges, she finally checked in.

It has been amazing to watch the transformation that has taken place through her time there. When she would call me before, I would hear a lot of, “Life sucks!” “Nobody cares about me.” “I hate myself.” But every time I spoke with her during her year down there, it was always positive, “This is really hard, but I know it’s good for me.” “Some of these girls drive me crazy, but I know I’m called to be an example for them, even when I don’t feel like it.”

To see this change in her makes all of those hours I spent more than worth it. She has made the decision to continue in her education at a Teen Challenge Institute and acquire her Pastoral degree. The ministry that this girl will have will be phenomenal. I know she will still have challenges ahead, but I also believe that God will see her through.

She recently asked me how I was able to continue to love her and believe in her even when she shoved it back in my face. I answered truthfully that it really wasn’t me doing the loving. It was Christ choosing to use this frail and imperfect vessel to communicate his love and forgiveness. On my own, I would have given up on many, including myself, long ago. It blows me away sometimes to think that God would desire to work through us, imperfect people, to carry on His work. But I am so thankful that He believed in me enough to not give up on me, and so I will continue to try and do the same.

Blue Skies, Shinin' On Me

2004-10-25T09:21:00.000-07:00

I’m feeling the need for a tropical beach about now. It’s a little gloomy and windy outside and I’m craving the white sand, warm water, and glorious sun. Don’t get me wrong, I love the Northwest weather, but you can never quite go wrong with a sunny beach.

I was blessed last January to be able to accompany one of my best friends, Stephanie, to Hawaii. Her job was sending her over to Honolulu for job training (the benefits of working for the government) and I was able to tag along. We were put up in the Hilton situated right on Waikiki Beach, and it was like heaven. Our first meal there (steak and lobster on her business account) was a very surreal. It was hard for us to imagine we were really in Hawaii and not in some counterfeit setting like Disneyland. The week was wonderful and we were definitely spoiled with fun times in the sun.

Then a couple months later in April, I helped lead a group of students on a mission trip to Cabo San Lucas. Yes, we were in a highly populated vacation spot, but we really didn’t see a lot of that. We lived and worked in the barrio’s – helping to build a house for a doctor, and also putting on health fairs for children, to teach them about simple hygiene and healthy eating practices.

We did get a little bit of free time and the beach was our destination of choice. We were also blessed with a ride on a yacht our last day there and were able to relax and enjoy our beautiful surroundings.

It’s been 6 months and I’m feeling the need for a vacation again! Anyone want to offer me a free trip somewhere?

Yes! The weekend is finally here!

2004-10-22T22:12:00.000-07:00

Wow, today was a doozy! Life as a church administrative assistant (that’s right, not secretary, administrative assistant) isn’t too bad, but it for sure has it’s moments. Today was one long moment. Fall is always the time for major events and they all seem to land in my departments (music and children) at once. Plus it seems that everyone but myself has decided to take vacation time. Why do I always get stuck there when everyone else is off in Hawaii or something? I was happy to see the clock finally tell me I could leave the madness and start enjoying the weekend.

My parents took me out for dinner tonight – no special reason, just ‘cause. I love that. We went to this great place out in Port Orchard (little bit of a drive) called Twetens. EXCELLENT seafood and a great atmosphere. It was nice to sit and chat and enjoy each other’s company – without schedules, interruptions, phone calls, etc. It’s so nice to take a break from the hurried pace and just enjoy those God has placed in your life. I encourage you to do the same.

A Home for a Puzzle Piece

2004-10-20T13:15:00.000-07:00

In case I haven’t shared about ‘the ranch’ – it’s a place down in Bend, Oregon, that I heard about around a month ago. The place (www.crystalpeaksyouthranch.org) takes in abused and neglected horses and kids and pairs them together for a sort of therapy and healing. The director of the ranch, Kim Meeder, has found that many of these horses and kids have had similar hurts in life and it’s amazing to see how they help each other overcome their fears and damage. Kim has written a book with many different testimonies of the ranch (Hope Rising published by Multnomah), and I was close to tears at the end of each short story. I’m not much of a crier (Stacey can attest to this), but this place grabbed a hold of my heart and wouldn’t let go.

Part of the reason why it resounded so deeply with me is because of my own teenage years. When I was about 14, my mother was diagnosed with bi-polar depression. The year and a half that followed was just short of hell. I didn’t have a mom all of a sudden, and I had to become ‘mom’ to my 8 year old brother. My mom would sleep for days on end; she rarely came out of her bedroom. Occasionally she would be up all night, and the next day she would be on this ‘high’ – it was like life was normal again, but I never knew when it would crash back down. I was trying to present to the world this happy face, that everything was fine (one neighbor was trying to have CPS take my brother and I away), and I learned how to hide pretty well.

During this time, I worked at a horse farm, spending every Saturday for three years mucking out stalls, grooming, feeding, and riding horses, and helping the younger girls that were in my care. I had been in love with horses ever since I was young, so this was a dream come true for me. It was also a place of escape for me. Here was a refuge that I could go and be loved on by these gentle giants and forget the pain and confusion at home.

When I was 16, my mom was completely healed from depression, all through the power of prayer. She now is able to use that time in her life as a testimony and a ministry to others who are going through similar things. She is such an amazing example to me and is one of my hero’s.

It wasn’t until recently when I was sharing with a friend about this newly discovered ranch that I realized why I was so excited about it. I hadn’t thought of that past time in my life in a while (it’s not something I think about much. Yes, it partly shaped who I am today, but God has healed my hurts from that time and has truly restored the damaged relationship I had with my mom), and it was like a puzzle starting to take shape. It confirmed even more that everything in my life has a reason and God is able to work it all for good. I realized I connected so deeply with the mission that they have there because I was one of those kids before.

So, I’m not really sure where this will all lead, but I’ve made that first step (which is a big thing for me), and I’m counting on God to lead me down the path He has for me.

No Regrets

2004-10-19T22:42:00.000-07:00

I got a call back from the ranch today.

That sentence kind of has mixed emotions for me. On one hand, the thought of a new adventure where I think I would actually feel like my soul was crying out a resounding, “Yes! Finally something that awakens me!” is an exciting thought. But the other side of me fears change. “What if it isn’t all I dreamed of? What if I am once again crushed from unfulfilled imaginings?” Ah, the uncertainties of life – you never truly know what each new step might bring. I have a month before I even go down there to check it out, so I get to wrestle with this for a while still.

I was watching the kids of one of my pastor’s again tonight. As we were chatting before they took off, he reminded me of something I had been thinking about a while ago (before all these choices presented themselves). I never want to look back on my life with regrets, knowing that I missed out on opportunities. It’s easy where I’m at right now, but the easy path doesn’t allow you to have great stories to share at the end of your life. I’m learning how to trust with each new twist this life brings me.

A Brief Interruption

2004-10-18T22:31:00.000-07:00

This weekend was a breath of fresh air – a much needed escape from the daily grind. I love the little interruptions to the predictable pattern that life can become.

I jumped at the chance to road trip up north a couple hours with two of my favorite girls, Lili and Stacey. We stopped at a newly acquired friend’s house on the way up and were welcomed with open arms and feed with generous spirits. We left there after a couple hours with full bellies, hot tea for my cough, and a bag full of strawberry flavored vitamin C drops for us sickies. Trips can be much more pleasant without the sniffles, tissues, coughs, and sneezes, but we weren’t about to let those petty things stop us.

The trip on the whole was great, but here are a few things that stuck out:

Funky and eclectic coffeehouses are much more desirable than college freshmen costumes parties. We arrived at our destination to find a houseful of young’ins looking for more beer and for their identities. We quickly hightailed it to a favorite spot of Stacey’s and mine – Stuart’s – a coffeehouse that serves up doses of caffeine, hippy patrons, occasional live music, and plenty of places to sit and contemplate, or enjoy company.

Late on Saturday night, while the NyQuil was taking effect, Stacey started asking the really deep questions such as, “If you could be any animal, what would you choose?” Even more random than the question was Lili promptly yelling from the next room, “A penguin!” Why a penguin? I’m not really sure. Why she had that pre-contemplated? I wonder even more. Next on the deep question list from Ms. Rich, “If you could be any person in the world, who would you be?” I had a cool revelation as I pondered my answer. “I don’t think I would want to be anyone other than myself. My life isn’t grand and splendid all the time, and I’m not really sure what my next step will be at the moment, but overall I wouldn’t change much.” It’s a great thing to come to the conclusion that you are content with who you are. Not content as in there is nothing further for me to attain to, but content as in I am happy with who Christ has made me and who He is shaping me to be.

I was able to attend a service at Christ the King, a church I’ve heard much about and couldn’t wait to visit. The pastor, Grant, spoke of what our focus should be – reaching out and saving that which is lost. He used the example of the original Humane Society – those who would row out to shipwrecks to save souls before the Coast Guard eventually took over. They still have banquets today to remember the “good ol’ days” even though they no longer participate in their mission. I never want to come to the place where I bask in the memories of old while no longer pursuing that which Christ has called me to – to join in His mission of reaching lost people.

While driving home laughing at new inside jokes, I smiled with thankfulness at how God chooses to bless me – with friends who allow me to completely be myself, and the reminder of my purpose here on earth and what is truly fulfilling.

Sacred Retreats

2004-10-15T10:40:00.000-07:00

I’m heading up to Bellingham for a little weekend getaway today. Lili and Stacey asked me to join their excursion, and I’m really looking forward to it. Sometimes you just need to get away from your usual surroundings to really appreciate them. (And I’m excited about the group that is going. The last time I headed north, the car was full of four girls who were getting rather irritated by the time we were almost home. I’m great friends with all who were there; it was just too much time, too close of quarters. Lil, Stace, and I are all pretty laid back, so this should be really enjoyable.)

Long car trips and getting away from your usual surroundings always remind me of Cannon Beach, Oregon. I lived in CB for a year while going to school there, and it is the perfect getaway for a retreat with God. Small town, slow pace, and my favorite beach on the West Coast (not to mention the specialty chocolate shop where I was first introduced to chocolate covered gummy bears. Don’t judge them until you’ve tried them – they are perfect combination of gummy-goodness and sweet chocolate). The Bible school I attended was really small (120 students), but it was a great year of focusing in and connecting with God and being surrounded by those who were doing the same.

I think because of that year, beaches will always be synonymous with communion with God for me. Watching the wave’s crash upon the shore, smelling the scent of salt as the wind blows, and feeling the tiny grains of sand sifting through my fingers are a sacred thing for me. During that year, God really spoke the message of Psalm 139 into my heart – He has ordained each of my days and knows every detail of me. He knows the desires of my heart; he placed them there after all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Psalm 139

1 O LORD , you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways. 4
Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD .

5 You hem me in-behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD ,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Be blessed with the knowledge that He knows all of your concerns and will guide you as you lean on Him for his direction.

And I Thought I Had It Bad

2004-10-12T18:01:00.000-07:00

It was a rough start to the day. I doped myself up on NyQuil last night so I could actually sleep and then had about 5 pillows propping me up so I could breathe. I actually sleep decently; well, as decently as you can when you are waking yourself up every hour or so by a coughing fit.

It was a debate this morning whether to go into work or not, but responsibility won out. I had way too much stuff to do to let it go for two days. Plus, we were taking the Staff Christmas picture this morning, and it always feels good to be included. (I was in the front row - I’m sure you’ll be able to see my droopy eyes.)

I forgot that we needed to wear black slacks for the picture until about 10 minutes before I had to leave (we usually have to ‘dress up’ somewhat, but I was going to try to sneak by with jeans today - I was sick after all!), so of course my pants needed ironing. (Thankfully they were already clean, though.) Since ironing is my mom’s least favorite chore and she only gets around to it about twice a year, the ironing board is stored out in the garage. As I step into the garage to retrieve it, I place my socked foot onto something soft. Wondering what this plush thing was on our hard concrete floor, I turn the light on.

To my unpleasant surprise, it is the tail of a squirrel, with one leg still attached.

My lovely cat who is older than dirt (she’s 15 yrs. old) brought me a gift. How sweet and thoughtful of her. Other than being thoroughly grossed out because I stepped on the thing, I actually thought it was pretty funny. I had no idea that hunter-of-a-cat still had it in her. (Years before, the cat had brought snakes, birds, mice, moles, etc. home for our approval.) But I guess this was the squirrel that my mom watched gather nuts every morning during her quiet time, so she wasn’t so thrilled. Oh well, the circle of life must continue.

2004-10-12T17:56:00.000-07:00

Here is the offending, fur-ball of a cat, Nickee.

Hmm, the comforts of home...

2004-10-11T16:07:00.001-07:00

Today has not been one of my better days – woke up with a sore throat, stuffy nose, headache, the works. I called work as soon as I woke up and decided it just wasn’t worth going in (it’s always best to call in just after you have woken up, when your voice is extra gravelly from sleep). But other than not being able to breathe and felling like I have a bunch of cotton stuffed in my head, it hasn’t been that bad.

I’ve decided that one great benefit to living at home is mom. And my mom is the greatest because she loves to pamper and take care of people. I’ve already had homemade chicken noodle soup, crackers and juice brought on command, and now a batch of potato salad is being prepared. (I’m not sure why, but my mom’s potato salad is one of my favorite comfort foods.)

This is so much nicer that when just living with roommates. I was lucky to even get someone to bring me a glass of water.

So, mom, I salute you! (oh, and can you make me some tea to go with the potato salad?) :)

The Land of Familiar

2004-10-10T01:41:00.000-07:00

Not long ago and not far away, a Nobody named Ordinary lived in the Land of Familiar.

Every day was pretty much the same for Ordinary. In the mornings he got up and went to his Usual Job. After work, he ate almost the same dinner he’d eaten the evening before. Then he sat in his recliner and watched the box that mesmerized most Nobodies on most nights. Sometimes, Best Friend came over to join Ordinary in front of the box. Sometimes, Ordinary went to his Parents’ and they watched together.

For the most part, not much happened in Familiar that hadn’t happened before. Ordinary thought he was content. He found the routine reliable. He blended in with the crowd. And mostly, he wanted only what he had.

Until the day Ordinary noticed a small, nagging feeling that something big was missing from his life. Or maybe the feeling was that he was missing from something big. He wasn’t sure.
The little feeling grew. And even though Nobodies in Familiar didn’t generally expect the unexpected, Ordinary began to wish for it.

~Bruce Wilkinson, The Dream Giver

As I watch the season change outside, the leaves turning brilliant shades of autumn, the temperature cooling off, and the rain settling into a daily pattern, my life anticipates change as well. This time of year is my favorite, which seems kind of odd for me. For the most part, I resist change. My parents still bring up when I was about 4 and they were trading in their old clunker of a car for a newer model and all I could do was cry and sob out that I didn’t want a new car – I liked the one we had. Even if it broke down on the on every trip at the farthest point. But it was familiar to me and I clung to it with dear life.

This year has been doused with change, and a lot of those changes have felt like small deaths to me. Through a series of events, I am no longer involved in the youth ministry where I poured out three years of my life; the college-aged internship program that I was on volunteer staff for (the ministry where my heart felt alive and where I felt like I was actually making a difference) has morphed into a slightly different program and I was not asked to be a part of it; all of my roommates moved away and I was financially forced to move back home. During each of these changes, I fought to hold on so tightly, but God had other plans. So, now I am doing what I said I would never do – working a full-time desk job, living with my parents, and not involved in ministry at all. God, you sure are funny.

But through it all, I’ve also realized that without death, new life cannot spring up. During this time of ‘nothingness’ I’ve begun to open my eyes to new possibilities that God may be presenting. One showed up about a month ago, while I was ordering a book off of Focus on the Family’s website for our Children’s Pastor. It is a horse ranch down in Oregon that takes in abused and neglected horses and abused and neglected kids and pairs them together as sort of a therapy for both of them. I’ve read some of the amazing stories that have come from this place and as soon as I heard about the ranch, it connected very deeply with me. I’ve put off contacting them for fear of the unknown. Sometimes it just seems so much easier to just sit and do the things that are familiar. But that soon leaves your spirit dry and that is what I am experiencing.But a conversation with a friend tonight has reignited the flame of hope – that God would have a plan for my life that would give me a future and a hope, not just an endless flow of paperwork. So, I’m taking the first step this next week and I’m going to contact the ranch. I’m sure God has an adventure in store (no matter where he brings me), so it will be interesting to see what the future holds.

2004-10-09T10:39:00.000-07:00

Best Buds! These are some of my favorite kids. I got to watch them last night and they loved the digital camera. "Miss Julie, can we see the pictures again!!!" It will be sad when Cole and Emma move away - Austin won't know what to do without his best buddy around.

Raindrops on Roses...

2004-10-08T08:23:00.000-07:00

Here are a few of my favorite things...

I came home from work yesterday to discover that the books that I had ordered online had arrived. I love to see that large brown truck rumble up the street and have Randy (I see him deliver packages almost everyday at work, we are now on a first name basis) jog up to present me with a parcel filled with goodies. Among the treasures was the Ragamuffin Gospel. I've read Manning's "The Signature of Jesus" and discovered another favorite author.

I got to see my good friend, Carly, visiting from sunny California last night. The girl looked gorgeous, obviously California is loving her. I’ve been thinking of friendships lately, and will write more later on that.

It’s a Friday, ‘nuff said. But an added bonus to my Fridays is that I get to enjoy the sweet song of music while I am working. My desk is located in the front area of our church office that I share with another admin assistant. It’s difficult for her to concentrate with music playing, so I reserve this for Fridays when she has the day off.

I got a new computer at work. I had been struggling for about a month on my old one that was slowly dying. I’m not sure what I downloaded, but it was bad. Now I have a sweet new machine, complete with a DVD player – anyone up for a movie??

A co-worker just walked up offering these delicious smelling scone cookie things. Pumpkin with chocolate drizzled on top. It’s like heaven to my nose. And a reminder that autumn is upon us – the smell of pumpkin always conjures up memories of holidays past.

It is lightly misting outside. It’s been awhile since we’ve had rain, and I just love it. I guess you have to grow to love it when you live near Seattle, but I truly do. It reminds me of the old being washed away, and the new being brought to life.

Alright, enough of the daisies and roses already, I need to get back to work!

Heads Will Roll

2004-10-06T23:22:00.000-07:00

Tonight after small group for 40 Days of Purpose, David and Amanda (a great couple that Stacey and I met last week), invited us to the indoor soccer game that David and his friend, Jeremy, were playing. (Side note: Dave and Amanda are GREAT! How fun is it to meet people at a small group and actually spend time with them outside of that arena and find out what great people they are. That usually doesn’t happen for me, it’s more of the “well, see you next week” crowd.)

Anyways, I’m not much of a soccer player at all, but I can get very competitive. And I also get very competitive for the team I am rooting for. Granted I only knew the names of three guys on ‘our’ team (and had only met two of those), but once I get into the game a bit, I am a fierce cheerleader. :) Sometime during the second half, as things were getting rough, I told the girls that “heads are going to roll.” I’m not really sure why that popped into my brain, but I shouldn’t really be surprised. I always think of random sayings at weird moments. (It’s usually a combination of two cliches, and I always end up sounding like a fool.) But Stacey laughed at me for a couple minutes, and I couldn’t help but smile. I love to make people laugh, but it rarely happens. I’m just not the quick-on-her-feet type of gal.

I love laughter (and inside jokes) shared among friends, you can’t really ask for more. :)

2004-10-05T22:32:00.000-07:00

I was missing my house today.

For the past two years I have lived in this old remodeled barn, complete with grain silo in the back. It has been a wonderful haven that I enjoyed with three great roommates, who added so much laughter, wisdom, and experience to my life. Through many circumstances, they all had to move out, and thus forced me to move back with my parents, as I couldn't afford living at 'the barn', as we dubbed it. I live in a pretty small town (not a college town where there are always girls looking for a place to stay), so there wasn't an overabundance of roommates available.

The week that I was preparing to move out, I would cry at the drop of a hat. I was so anxious about this upcoming change in my life, that everything seemed slightly out of control. Well, at least out of my control, which wasn't an easy thing for me.

It's only been just over a week that I have been back at my parents, and although there are things that will take some adjusting to (one bathroom for four of us, a teenage brother who eats everything in sight, including any leftovers that might even have my name on them in the fridge, etc.), God has proven once again that He is faithful to provide for me. Things could be much worse. I have a sturdy roof over my head, plenty of food to eat (even if it isn't food that I had been saving), heat as we are approaching the cold season, and people who genuinely care about me.

Through this I am learning how to lean even more fully on Christ for the plan that He has for me. I can't see the ending yet, let alone the next chapter, but I am holding onto the fact that there will be a new chapter, and it will beyond what I could plan. My God is so faithful, so creative, and I am so thankful.

2004-10-05T10:05:00.000-07:00

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Only 81 Shopping Days Left...

2004-10-04T15:54:00.000-07:00

I know it seems crazy to be thinking about Christmas already (especially with this Indian summer weather we have been having here in the Northwest), but it’s been rolling around in my brain for a few weeks now.

I am helping the music department of my church put on a Holiday Dessert Theater and preparations are well underway. We held drama and solo auditions yesterday and I was a part of the selection process. It’s been some time since I’ve been involved in drama and I’ve really missed it, so this is fun for me.

We had some really talented people audition, so it wasn’t hard to fill most of the spots. But there were a few that we were missing. I’m not sure exactly how this happened, but I am now singing a solo during one of the scenes (part of I Am by Nicole Nordeman).

I enjoy singing in my car (I’m sure I bring plenty of entertainment to my fellow drivers – this crazy girl singing her heart out), but put me on stage and I kind of freak out. I have no problem performing a drama or monologue, but make me sing and it becomes so much more vulnerable.

It’s funny how God likes to stretch me whenever He has the opportunity. And as much as it makes me nervous, it's also kind of exciting at the same time. It's great to be part of a production like this. So, now I shall be bring even more entertainment to those on the road with me - I've got a song I've got to perfect.

2004-10-03T22:03:00.000-07:00

Kara, Stacey, and I at Northwest Youth Conference. Stacey and I actually weren't there for very long, but we had a great day. Yeah for lunch with great friends, and time spend browsing through Pike's Place!

Sucked In...

2004-10-03T21:18:00.000-07:00

After reading and commenting for the last couple months on Stacey's blog and many others, she has finally sucked me in - so, here's my own. I'm not much of a writer or journalist, so it shall be interesting to see what comes of this venture. (I can already feel myself going into writer's mode, though.) This will probably be good for me - my job doesn't require me to think in this kind of capacity (I either have to be very detail oriented, or be very creative for graphic design), so it will be good to get back into writing. After being out of school for awhile, it kind of slips away.

So, I welcome myself to the blogging world! :)