Trust with a Shaky Hand

Anyone who has read Blue Like Jazz can probably figure out which chapter I just finished reading.
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I don’t often make New Year’s resolutions, but my finances were so out of control in December of 2003, I vowed to create a budget and hold to it. No more use of my credit cards (especially on frivolous things like new shoes or a full-price movie with popcorn), No more overdraft fees at the bank because I didn’t keep track of all my debit receipts, no more waiting till the last minute to pay my bills, just barely slipping by without late charges.

I surprised myself by actually sticking to it. I itemized all of my expenses, with the monthly bills getting paid as soon as I got my paycheck deposited. But the one line item that always seemed to get shifted to other areas had the title of Tithe.

I don’t know why I have such a problem with giving back to God what is already His. I guess all the old lies that are fed to so many others are the ones that I believe too.

“It’s not really even that much, it’s not like the church is really going to suffer without my measly little amount.”
“I can barely get by as it is, how do you expect me to pay all my monthly bills without that money?”
“Well, I bought Susie a coffee last week, so that’s kind of like giving to charity, right? I mean, it’s helping the church, which is really the body…”

To be honest, that last one still gets me. I think I can justify a lot of things to make them seem legit. But really, when I bought that coffee, I wasn’t thinking of giving to the ‘church’, I was just spending money. Money that I didn’t necessarily have left in the Coffee Budget, so I just kind of ‘borrowed’ it from the Tithe Budget. But lately, God has really been nailing me about this area of my life.

In this recent step-out-in-faith time in my life, I have slowly been learning how to truly trust God for all of the details that I really don’t have a lot of control over. And I’ve stood back and have been amazed at how perfectly this journey is coming together for me. So many of the small things that I have been concerned about are all coming together as such a confirmation that I am right where the Lord wants me.

But He knows there is at least one area of trust that I am reluctant in. My finances. I know He is asking if I trust Him enough for all things that I would be obedient in the small amount that He is asking for back. I want to be, but I feel like I am tentatively holding that offering out to Him, but just close enough to me that I can snatch it back if I really start to sink. But that method didn’t work too well for Peter when he failed to trust the Lord when he was walking on the water, so I know it’s not going to work for me either.

The Lord hasn’t forgotten or forsaken me yet, so I don’t expect Him to do it anytime in the future. This is just one more step in following Him and relinquishing control.